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Sexual Frustration
I go through stages where I become sexually frustrated and yet do not necessarily want to have sex with someone to alleviate it; primarily because of loss of energy, direction and the complications that mixing with someone else's aura can bring to my simple life...and I wondered if doing certain meditation techniques could harness this energy better.

I have read about focusing on the tip of the sexual organ, meditating on deities, bringing up the energy by focusing on the higher chakras. I am sure that you have had celibate periods where this 'battle' with desire has arisen.

Rama once said that when you start wanting to have sex you should remember that "we are more than the sum of our DNA" - which seems to me to be an indirect suggestion that desire needs to be seen in its context and overcome through denial...

Exercising more helps me, but my desires just come back a bit cleaner and fitter! I am not sure if denying or suppressing or ignoring these feelings are the best way - but at the same time do not hold out for that special tantric experience... I know that meditation will be my best helper and just wondered if there are specific practices I could explore that would help me get over these passing fancies, or is it just a matter of will power and me saying "No" to these inner 'demons'?



David R.
This battle you are having with celibacy may be unnecessary for more than a relatively short period of time. You have the reasons most commonly given for avoiding sex and relationships pretty well described. However, the perception that celibacy is required is just that - perception, not truth. No attraction, no aversion. Moderation. These are some of the expressions used to justify other viewpoints. There are many versions of this old debate which boils down to which path is best on the Dharmic journeys - the householder versus celibate monk paths. My favorite version is the one where Marpa (the householder teacher of Milarepa) wins when his wife shows that the monk does not know how to deal with a woman.

The reasons for leading a full life including relationships and sex begins by looking at why this separate reality exists in the timeless stream of creative awareness. The play of consciousness goes on at many levels and the spiritual path takes many forms. What is perceived as "best" or "highest" may not be right for everybody and may not be right for the same person all the time. It should change with time if you are evolving. At the end, Rama and many texts stated that a consort (real is preferable to deities is what Rama said at the Kalachakra Empowerment!) is needed for the completion stage practices. I concur. The whole thing is pretty tricky because you must see what is right for you and whether dealing with celibacy is an issue at all and if it is, then is celibacy right for you because you are working to raise energy levels and break out of energy or habitual thought patterns or are you struggling because it is not the right thing and the need to work on relationships or even to work on tantric practices is what you should be doing but you have attached to the dogma of celibacy.

There is a period on the path where celibacy can aid as described in the question stated, and in other ways such as increasing awareness of the dual function of the sexual energy as a spiritual-evolutionary energy. My experience is that about 3-4 years of celibacy is all that is required to build up the energy to a level at which it can then be used to push through certain blocks that may arise in the subtle physical energy system and to help awareness to evolve past a certain point. Necessary guidance must be provided to use this energy buildup or the energy itself can then stagnate and produce the types of dilemma's you describe, and thence become harmful. If a monk lifestyle and celibacy is required, then hopefully this choice flows naturally and there is no desire borne pressure or you are working with the state of celibacy so actively that the mind is not interested in the other sex.

The celibacy required of the monk lifestyle itself. Intuitive understanding of techniques such as "focusing on the tip of the sexual organ, meditating on deities, bringing up the energy by focusing on the higher chakras . . . " is required to apply these directly and this comes after a certain level of transformation via meditation. These practices must be used with care. They work with the sexual energy and are not as a solution to the pressures caused by celibacy but rather as a more interesting fun use of the sexual energy than normal sex. Rama said these practices are better with a real partner than visualized - what are they doing on the Kalachakra Tonka anyway?!!!

A safer path is to use a lot of meditation, karma yoga, add less aversion and fears (of mixing) and a good teacher, and you should be able to cycle out of the need for celibacy in about 3-4 years. Look at the teachers you have experienced. How many are truly celibate? It is possible to maintain a balanced celibacy without a real partner, but I will stand by what my teacher said - real is preferable to visualized for the end stage practices. Remember most that we should not become too attached to any system of beliefs. Directly experience as much as your awareness allows. Be free and without fear and have faith that life will give you what you need, then accept what is given. Life meditates you.



Inner Truth
Rama told us you cannot become fully enlightened unless you are completely comfortable with your sexuality.

I personally feel a number of Rama students had serious problems because they were sexually frustrated and not dealing with that. I think you have to be honest. Rama did not have us take any vows of celibacy, and even pointedly said during one initiation as Buddhist monks that the initation did NOT involve celibacy even though it traditionally does and he himself seemed amazed he was doing it that way, but there it was, Eternity was not requiring that of us.

I feel the only across the board advice I heard Rama give on sex was "Don't get AIDS." It's obviously not a great lifetime to have huge numbers of partners because of the risk factors. Sometimes the way through something is to deal with it...get laid, masturbate, don't try to repress yourself to the point of getting weird.

If you are wanting to use that energy for meditation, one technique is to focus on the sex chakra, saying "AH" several times, letting the energy became ecstatic. Then bring the white light up the shushumna (energy channel in the spine area) to the 3rd eye. Chant "AH" in the 3rd eye, using the energy brought up from the sex center to 3rd eye to empower something you are visualizing that you wish to materialize in your life...could be a new car, a new job, a new house, whatever is a current goal for you. Embrace the visualization. This energy can be used for "creative" purposes, not just "procreative."

Sexual energy is not problematic per se. It's the relationships that get tricky. You have to treat the other person impeccably and not be attached. And, for some of Rama's students, a relationship was a tremendous yoga. For some, having dogs gave them companionship so they didn't feel lonely. Whatever you are doing, you do have to have love in your life. You have to be feeling love toward something. So, if you are being celibate, it should not translate as closed-heart.

Rama himself had times where he was celibate and times where he was dating. This is very individual and is something that may change for each person during different phases of life.

It's important to keep a celebration attitude toward life. Make your choices from that space, not from "repression". Whenever you are doing something that excites you, kundalini will flow. Daily meditation is for passionate people, not for people who are in denial about themselves. If you know you are in a phase where relationships or affairs are not for you, there should be some cool project you are working on that absorbs you, something that jazzes you. It can be great to take a break from sex and just have your own aura and clear that out...but it should be a kind of "vacation" in its own right and not something about "denial". Whatever your choices, keep the approach positive.



Sometimes the desire for sex can arise just from the need to touch and be touched. I remember that Rama suggested that we get Scottie dogs because we had a lot of affection that needed to be expressed. Dogs are great because you can hug them and love them and they never lay any "trips" on you, like people do. They are, however, a great responsibility. I wish that I had purchased health insurance for my dogs because in the latter part of their lives, the vet bills became phenomenal.

I don't know what sex you are but as a woman, I had a maternal desire that was unfulfilled. Sometimes this can be a motivation for sex because the hormones are saying, "I want to have a baby". Volunteering at a day care and babysitting helped me because I got to touch and play with little kids and then was glad that I could return to the peace and quiet of my own home.

A nice massage might be helpful, too. Or just find a nice monogamous partner who won't be an emotional drain. Sex is not bad. Personally I think if you have a desire for it, I don't think meditating or trying to transcend the energies will help unless you're very advanced.



It sounds like you are having a really hard time denying yourself the simple pleasures of having sex with someone. Cut it out! Just go out there and find someone with nice energy and have a good time. If you are looking for someone to give you "parental permission" on a subconscious level, or something like that, you should listen to Ramaís tape on "Sophisticated Sexuality." In that tape, Rama basically says thatís itís okay for people to have sex with each other, and itís fine to fulfill your sexual desires. (As long as you remain within the laws of the community you are in at the moment).

If you want to learn about how to handle your sexual energy, you should read the books by Mantak Chia. There you will learn about the "Microcosmic Orbit" meditation technique, and many other helpful hints. I highly recommend the books, "The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know," "Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy," and "Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy."

If you are into Chinese herbs, I would recommend taking "Microcosmic Orbit" made by Ron Teeguarden. This will help you not to deplete your sexual energy. You can order that through their website at www.DragonHerbs.com.

Finally, your homework assignment is to go out and have a good time, and donít take your life so seriously. Itís all just an illusion being played on the matrix of life. Enjoy




I'm in the same position. I've been celibate for almost 2 years now. I am truly celibate - without desire whatsoever - for the vast majority of the time, BUT occasionally ...... I get that consuming desire to get off. Can't help it - I looove sex, and without it I am fine, but now and then it gets the better of me.
So, this is how I approach it:
Did you see the movie, a few years back, by the porn star Annie Sprinkle called "Sacred Sex"? I regrettably haven't, but on my favorite radio station they featured a number of interviews with her, and her concepts burned deep into my psyche.She believes - and I am positive of the truth in it - that we can direct the energy of our orgasms (and believe me - they are the same for me as going into samadhi! - well what I go into in some meditations anyhow!) to some higher thought.
So, I often send the energy of my orgasms (self achieved I should add - coz there ain't no-one else in my bed :) to a cause that concerns me. Be it some world peace issue or a sick friend, or someone I know who needs energy. So - there is meaning in the act itself. A higher, noble act! And I seriously believe that it reaches them. It is my contribution - as totally powerful as I can send it! I also, of course, get rid of that frustration :) And I am left with a little residue to keep me happy as well.
I don't think there's anything wrong, whatsoever, with sex. I think it's a key to higher states. I guess I'm very Tantric in that regard.
You see I've never regarded sex as purely physical - it is a much higher state to me - a spiritual experience. Totally. Which is why I am OK not to be having sex with anyone - coz I don't have that connection with anyone - nor do I seem to find anyone who fits that picture for me. So alone I am. And also, I find that this approach keeps me satisfied for a long time - months in fact - it is far more rewarding than pure sex. Please try it! You may find that masturbation is an odd one - but I promise you that I have had experiences of late with this mentality that rival the best!
You just have to let your imagination run totally wild - fulfil whatever is your wildest fantasy - no matter how ridiculous or taboo! Remember it is an act as divine as meditation - as you have high minded ideals. SO DO NOT JUDGE IT!!!!!! JUST DO IT!!!!!! But at the end remember to focus on that divine ideal - send the energy to that needy person/situation etc. Then you will feel you have done your bit to help the world :)

Oh by the way - if you are so lucky to nab that gorgeous lover into your clutches, you can do the same with them there - just direct the energy as you would if you were on your onesome!


I have to confess that sexuality has always been a challenging area for me as well.  It seems to me that a lot of us spent a lot of past lives in men-only monasteries, or women-only convents, and so have been a bit confused (to say the least) by the sexual options available in this incarnation.  In this lifetime Rama's focus was initially to get people's careers going, and sexuality (in my observation) only became a regular part of the esoteric teachings in 1997.  Surfing the Himalayas, in 1995, was a story involving celibate male monks.  Snowboarding to Nirvana, which came out in 1997, involved a significant amount of sexuality.

There's nothing wrong with any form of sexuality, be it heterosexuality, homosexuality, group sex, casual (but safe!) sex, long-term relationships, masturbation, or celibacy.  However, what seems really important is the state of mind you are in when sexually aroused.  For whatever reason, any other energies you bring to your sexual life will be greatly magnified.  So if you approach your sexual encounters angry at one sex or the other in general, or at your partner in particular, that will mirror back at you and cause a lot of pain to you.  On the other hand, if you bring happy thoughts to sexuality that will be really empowering in your day-to-day life.

If you find that relationships are causing a loss of direction for you, that probably means that those particular relationships aren't working for you, not necessarily that all relationships won't work.  You're going to find that, even if you are physically celibate, you feel sexual energy, so make sure that whenever you feel horny or sexual, that your other thoughts and energies are clean and happy.  If you do, you will make the right decision as to the appropriate way to manifest your feelings in the physical.

Finally, the only exoteric teaching I recall Rama mentioning regarding sex: get tested for AIDS regularly and only sleep with partners who are also HIV-.  If it turns out you are HIV+, it is better to know sooner rather than later--and you then know to have relationships with other HIV+ folks.



Many of those who practice meditation on a daily basis are very particular that their spouse do the same. Being able to help each other achieve deeper meditation, as well as becoming a mirror for the other to see themselves for behavioral change, in a calm, loving and compassionate environment, are things highly sought after by those on a spiritual path.

In Eastern society, and even in old Western society, arranged marriages, or at least formal introductions were, and still are the norm. While not all of these marriages may evolve into highly romantic relationships, they can still be highly satisfying marriages based on
common values and interests, and especially the joy of children as marriage transforms into family.

Some of the international Sahaja Yoga seminars provide an opportunity to be introduced to someone for the purpose of marriage.  Shri Mataji matches the couples on the basis of background and inclinations, but most importantly, on the basis of vibrations (subtle aspects). The low divorce rate for these marriages shows the success of this method.

After being introduced, the couples are given a couple of weeks or so to determine whether they would like to go through with the marriage. There is absolutely no pressure to go through with the marriage if either person is not so inclined. In fact, the couples are discouraged to go through with the marriage if there is any doubt whatsoever. If things don't work out, then of course divorce is an option, but it is something that rarely happens.

When both husband and wife are committed to the experience of enlightenment, marriage is a great source of joy and balance. It is also an important part of life since it creates the basis for having strong and loving families that are the foundation of our society.



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